


Driftaway

by Kabella



Series: Endurance [7]
Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Alone, Anger, Angst, Chance Meeting, Drugs, Hurt, Lost Love, M/M, New Beginning, Pain, Suicidal Thoughts, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24246235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kabella/pseuds/Kabella
Summary: A chance meeting at a unexpected place churns up buried emotions, which were never dealt with by neither Tommy or Nikki. Are they too far gone?
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Series: Endurance [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902748
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Driftaway

**Author's Note:**

> I'm starting a new project, putting the 2nd half of my book on hold for a bit. I've decided to do a collection of one shots, mostly TLxNS. The collections will be under the titles of the Motley Crue albums, a different one shot for each song. I started working on the songs from Too Fast For Love. I've got 3 stories done. I'm liking them, and will probably post them as they come, but I'd like to get a few more under my belt first. Struggling with ideas for some of the songs. I've done Piece of Your Action, Starry Eyes, and Come On and Dance. I have a rough concept for On With The Show. The rest, zilch, at this point.
> 
> As I was doing some research for my recent book, I wound up rereading the final chapter of The Dirt. It had been awhile since I've read it. It broke my heart a little, now that I've been writing and have gotten into character development. I wanted to do a one shot based off of this, as well other testimony that I've read from both Tommy and, Nikki during that time period. However, there was no song title on the TFFL album that worked for this story. I found a good song title on the '94 album. It will be a long time before I get to those one shots for that album, so I've decided to post it here in the meantime.

**March 2001**

It was a sunny day, at the tail end of another winter in Los Angeles, as Nikki walked up the steps of his younger son’s private school to drop him off. He opens the door, holding it to let his son through, when suddenly the weight of the door is alleviated by another, who’s come up behind him to hold the door open for him and his own son. Nikki turns around to acknowledge the person behind him with a nod and a thank you, as he begins to step inside himself, only to be met with the most handsome and captivating set of eyes that he’s ever known. It’s Tommy…..

“Hey, Sixx,” that deep voice sings out.

“Nikki’s heart is caught in his throat. He can’t find words; his young son, tugging at the hem of his jacket, as they make their way inside.

“Come on, daddy,” the little voice chatters, gazing way up, with puppy dog eyes, at his tall dad, who’s staring at the other dad.

“Hey, Tom,” Nikki says, in a hitched breath. “Hold on.”

Nikki turns back to his son, squatting down to give him a tight hug. “I love you. Have the best day,” Nikki says, kissing his son on his forehead.

“I will. I love you too, daddy,” the child says, nuzzling his head into his father’s embrace. When he pulls away, he sees the other kid standing nearby, and smiles wide at him, while being led away by a staff member.

The other child smiles back with a wave.

Nikki watches his son walk off until he’s led around the corner towards his classroom. Then turns back toward Tommy.

“I didn’t know your son came here too. I just enrolled my oldest in the preschool program. It’s his first day,” Tommy says, a nervous waiver in his voice.

“He’ll be in good hands,” Nikki replies, messing the top of the boy’s head with his large hand, as he attempts to pass by, back towards the door.

“Hey, Nik? Um, are you doing anything? Maybe we can get breakfast somewhere?”

“OK. We can do that, I guess. Uh, I’ll wait….. Outside, OK?”

Tommy cracks a friendly smile, “Great. I’ll just need to get my boy settled in. I shouldn’t be too long.”

“Take your time,” Nikki says, pushing the door open.

Nikki steps outside and sucks in a huge breath of fresh air into his tightening chest cavity. He needs to sit; spying a few benches at the bottom of the steps. Nikki’s head is spinning, his insides are churning. It’s been over 2 years since he’s last laid eyes on the drummer. Since he’s last held the drummer in his arms, breathing in his scent, running his fingers along his contours. The pain is real. Tommy abandoned Nikki, something he thought would never be possible, a love he thought would be until death did them part.

Meanwhile, inside, Tommy helps his son acclimate to his new learning environment; trying to hold it together, emotionally raw. Tommy could see the pain within Nikki’s jade green eyes. He knows he hurt him deeply. He can’t explain what happened. Try as he might, nothing will justify what he’s done. He’s not even sure himself. The only thing he knows for certain is that the love never died.

“Daddy! Please don’t go!” the little one pleads, clinging to his father’s leg, sniffling.

“I’m here, buddy. Go meet your new friends. Look, they’re waving at you.”

The boy nods his head, as his dad wipes the tears away from his eyes. He ambles toward the other little boys, turning around to give his dad a weak smile. Tommy gives his son an affirming nod, smile, and thumbs up, as he stays to watch for a little while longer.

\---------------------

20 minutes have passed, as Nikki’s been staring out into nothingness, his mind flooded with thoughts of pain mingled with warm and happy memories from the past. A cold-blooded murder or a wedding with 200 people could have happened right before his eyes, but he wouldn’t have noticed, trapped deeply in his thoughts. Where’s Tommy? Did he sneak out a back door? Am I just imagining this? Was he even here? Is he going to cause me more pain? Nikki can’t do this. He can’t risk this. He’s come so far on his own. Nikki stands up to leave. Feeling faint as he walks, he hurries over to his parked car, shuts the door, then unleashes a flood of pent up tears.

\----------------

Tommy is finally able to slip out of the classroom, close to a half hour since he entered the building. His heart is pounding as he rounds the corner to the front door. He pushes it open, scans the immediate area, and is heartbroken when he sees no sign of Nikki.

Was it that he took too long inside and Nikki got tired of waiting? Or was it because he changed his mind. Tommy doesn’t blame him; grieving the sudden loss of what he thought, maybe, could have been a new beginning. Tommy drops his head, tears rimming his eyes, as he walks out to his parked car.

Before reaching his own car, he spots a vehicle in that lot that he thinks might be Nikki’s, based on a personalized license plate that reads N666. He nervously approaches the vehicle on the passenger side, seeing a figure in the front seat. It’s Nikki. Tommy taps on the passenger window with his knuckle.

Nikki lifts his head, to see Tommy standing on the other side of the glass. Part of him, just wants to drive away, fast. But, he instead finds himself unlocking the door. No shock, as he had the opportunity to drive away for the past 5 minutes before Tommy even showed up.

Something made him stay here, telling himself, that he was too upset to drive, and needed to calm down first. He could have driven, even if just to another nearby parking lot to get away, but he didn’t.

The drummer lifts the handle, opens the door, and asks if he can sit. Nikki nods in agreement.

“Sorry, I took so long. My son was having a difficult time adjusting to his new setting,” Tommy speaks, in a shaky voice, a few tears starting to roll down his cheeks.

“What is it you want, Tom?’ Nikki just comes right out to ask.

“I don’t know. Seeing you just….. well, I want to tell you that I’m sorry.”

“OK,” Nikki responds, feeling his emotional pain turning into physical pain, pulsing through his core to the tips of his fingers. He closes his eyes, and tries to regulate his breathing.

“Can we go somewhere?” Tommy asks.

Nikki shrugs.

“Maybe my house, as we’re both pretty emotional right now?”

Nikki is trying to gain control of his crying. He wants to scream in Tommy’s face. He wants to choke him, or maybe kick him in the face. He definitely wants to stomp on his chest to make know what it feels like to have your heart crushed. But he instead finds himself agreeing to Tommy’s proposal.

“Will you follow me?” Tommy asks, knowing that Nikki doesn’t even know where he lives now, and also aware of the fact that the bass player might pull an intentional detour along the way; driving away for good.

Nikki agrees. Not even knowing why. He wasn’t expecting this today. He had plans to make some phone calls and to finish a song, at home, where he’s safe from pain. Now he’s preparing to tend to old wounds. Wounds that never even left a scar, because they never even closed up in the first place; still gaping wide and oozing anguish, torment, and bitterness. But he can’t bring himself to turn away. He’s wanted nothing more, over the past 2 years than to feel Tommy’s secure and loving arms wrapped around him once again.

Tommy squeezes Nikki’s shoulder, and lets himself out of the vehicle. He gets to his own, closing the door, starting it up. He takes a deep breath, hoping that Nikki will follow him. He doesn’t know what he wants to say. He wasn’t expecting this today. He had plans to work on music, alone. But seeing his unforgotten love, in person, breathed an undeniable yearning back into his soul. He can’t let him go again.

He wants Nikki to know, at the very least, that jail changed him. It fucked him up, psychologically. So badly, that he considered suicide multiples times, to the point of putting a plan in place. He wanted to end it. Nikki’s bright smile on the other side of the prison glass only reminded him more and more each time how he was now alone, cold, empty, pained, and scared to death.

That had nothing to do with Nikki; nothing at all. But he got to a really dark place in his life, and couldn’t bring himself out. And he didn’t want to bring his bright spot into his pit of hell. No, Nikki couldn’t be brought there. His insistence on keeping the bassist away from his inner turmoil, only resulted in further pain, as the Nikki grew frustrated with Tommy’s evasive behavior.

Tommy found himself competing with Donna for his love. Nikki assured him that his marriage to Donna in no way affected his feelings for the drummer. Tommy was used to Nikki’s half-hearted relationship with his first wife, but Donna was another story. Suddenly the bass player is cranking out songs inspired by her, and prancing around with her like they’re 2 peas in a pod. He was jealous.

Tommy knows deep inside that he was the same way with his wife, making Nikki jealous. Things with the blond bombshell were what his fantasies were made of, until he was hauled off to jail due to a domestic dispute. It didn’t help that Nikki came visiting, telling Tommy that his wife was seeing someone else. Why would he say that? True or not, why would he say that when the drummer was locked away from the world. Did it give him some sort of sick satisfaction?

Vince was another thorn in his side. He couldn’t be around him anymore. Two high school friends, now public enemies. He felt like Motley Crue had him by the balls. Nikki seemed unsympathetic to his concerns with the band, only motivated to continue cranking out music; music that Tommy was sick and tired of.

It was just time to walk away. He couldn’t do it anymore. None of it. He was in a sick and twisted state of mind, and couldn’t see fit to claw his way out of it. He retreated into his own self-absorbed shell of misery and self-hate.

Tommy spent the next 2 years, only focusing on his boys and his music. At least once a week he found himself waking up from sweaty scream-inducing nightmares. Nightmares about jail, nightmares about threats, nightmares about suicide, nightmares about his kids being taken away from him, nightmares about Nikki being gone, nightmares about being left all alone. Alone. A word that Nikki’s been afraid of for most of his life, and that Tommy now understands.

Not a single day went by where he didn’t think about Nikki; often moved to tears as he will never forget the pained look upon Nikki’s face when he told him that it was over. It was at their hotel after a show. Nikki dropped to his knees, and just sobbed, followed by a flash of red hot fury. Questioning everything. Questions Tommy couldn't answer. The look of despair on Nikki's face as he shut the hotel room door, has been etched in his mind, flashing before his eyes every single day for the past 2 years. When that door closed.... no more Motley Crue and no more Nikki Sixx. Why? He doesn’t even know himself. Jail fucked him up good.

\--------------------------------

Tommy drives to his house, watching the rearview mirror more than the actual road. Holding his breath at each turn, hoping that Nikki’s vehicle will continue to follow; only breathing a sigh of relief when he pulls into his driveway, Nikki pulling in behind.

The two men step inside.

“Can I get you anything?” Tommy asks, leading Nikki to the living room.

“No. I can’t stay long,” Nikki replies, ignoring the new environment surrounding him. In any other situation, he’d be asking about the in and outs of Tommy’s new digs. He’s sure that he has a studio in here somewhere. But he doesn’t care right now. All he knows is that it’s smaller and he’s alone, except maybe when his boys are here.

“Nikki. I….” Tommy sighs. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. And I know that I did, badly.”

Nikki can only sit there and pick at his cuticles.

“I never stopped loving you,” Tommy chokes out.

“Love isn’t supposed to hurt,” Nikki replies.

“I know. Nikki, I was fucked up. Like seriously in a bad way. And I also fucked up, with you. I--”

Nikki interrupts. “You shattered my fucking heart! I don’t even know why I’m here! You don’t deserve anything from me! I’ve hated you since the day you killed me!!” Nikki shrieks. “You were supposed to love me. I thought you loved me!” he softens, tears streaming down his face.

“Nikki…. I was sick,” is all Tommy can say before breaking down completely. He sits, crying into his hands, expecting to hear the door slam in just a few moments, closing this chapter of his life for good.

Instead, he's suddenly enrobed in a warm blanket of love, Nikki’s arms wrapped securely around him. He leans in, fisting Nikki’s shirt in his aching hands, as he buries his head in the crook of Nikki’s neck; that familiar scent and touch overtaking every cell of his body.

Nikki doesn’t know what made him do it. He should have stormed out. Tommy doesn’t deserve anything from him. Since the drummer’s departure, Nikki slid into the trenches again, cheating on his wife, full of anger, and using again. He’s hit another recent low, trying to salvage his marriage and stop the substance abuse; yet failing miserably at it.

Even the birth of his daughter 2 months ago, hasn’t brought him up. God, he’s such a fuck-up; not even able to be there completely for that tiny baby girl. When he holds her and rocks her, he can only think about how this little being is going to grow up to realize that she was born with a loser for a dad. A dad who thought that he could conquer his past demons and prove that he could break the pattern of pain and abandonment that he experienced as a child; only to realize that he’s no better than his own father. While he is there with them, and he loves them more than anything, he’s not really there in spirit, trapped in a constant state of suffering and self-hate. How could those kids ever love someone like that? How could anyone love someone like that? No one ever has. His wife is unhappy. And the one he thought would love him forever, did what everyone else does, abandoned him. He’s sure his kids will one day, as well.

So why is Nikki sitting down, cradling his poison arrow? He’s not sure. He couldn’t stop himself. Maybe he’s had enough. Maybe he needs a rescue. Maybe he’s admitting defeat.

“Nikki, please help me. God, please don’t leave me,” Tommy sobs, uncontrollably. “I’m sorry. I hurt you. Oh god. Nikki…… I should have just killed myself. I should have hung myself in jail. I wanted to. I hurt you instead. I was sick….”

Nikki buries his face in Tommy's hair, tears dripping into the shortened, mahogany locks. Nikki tilts the drummer's head upward, with a gentle tugging on the back of his hair, finds his quivering lips, and connects.

Tommy is barely able to respond through his uncontrolled sobbing, but eventually is feeling calmed by that familiar feeling of love.

The two kiss, tasting each other's tears, for what seems like a day and a half; finally breathless and breaking apart.

Tommy immediately goes back to a hold, embracing Nikki, his arms wrapped around his back, tucked under the bassist’s arms; shivering into his shoulder.

“I hope you can forgive me someday,” the drummer sputters. “I never stopped loving you.”

“I never would have let go. You did. I needed you. I still do. I need help,” Nikki starts crying. “I’m in trouble.”

“I don't want to let go of you again,” Tommy sobs, running his fingers along the curve of Nikki’s back.

“I’m fragile, Tommy. My broken pieces barely held together. And I’m scared,” Nikki reveals, in a whisper.

“i did that to you. I'm sorry. Maybe.... could we.... just one day at a time? Please let me try,” Tommy says, crying on Nikki’s shoulder.

“I’m trying to understand how I could love someone and hate someone at the same time,” Nikki sniffles.

“You should hate me. I hate me. I’m sorry, Nikki. I know I don’t deserve you. I should just live with what I did,” Tommy starts sobbing again.

“Well, you’re lucky I’m not like you. I don’t toss my loved ones to the side. They might not love me back, but I’m always going to try, knowing that I’m probably going to fuck up.”

“Please don’t leave me,” is all Tommy can say..... “You can fuck up a thousand times. I just need you back. I never should have let you go. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just lost my damn mind."

They sit in silence for a few minutes, in each other embrace. “I’ve thought about you a lot lately. Have you done your interviews?” Nikki asks, referring to their upcoming band autobiography.

“Yeah. It’s been tough. Reliving my past. The best times of my life," Tommy says, sitting up on his own now, as he fruitlessly tries to wipe the tears from his eyes. "I cried a lot as I wrote down my memories. Choked up when I did in-person interviews. I just wanted to shut my eyes, and go back. I’ve fucked up so much…. My only pride and joy, these days, are my kids. My music is good. But it will never be the same rush that I had way back then with Motley. Why can’t I just go back?” Tommy sobs into his hands.

“It was hard for me too. I don’t know how I got through the interviews without breaking down.”

“I just wanted to shout out how much I missed you and how much I love you," Tommy says, going back to ineffectively trying to wipe away his tears. "I wanted to retell every story, every memory because that’s all I had. I replay them all in my head everyday. Memories I could never share and bring to life again. I wanted to, so badly. I wanted to be at that place again,” Tommy says, trembling.

“Tommy?” Nikki says, lifting the drummer’s head to look deep into his eyes. "I'm terrified. If I get broken again, I won't come back. My shattered pieces are too damaged to ever make whole, if they start falling apart again. "

The drummer stares back, tears pouring over the rims of his eyes. "I did this to you."

Nikki pulls Tommy in closer to him, taking hold of him again for another kiss, a brief one. “Maybe it’s time to start a new chapter in our own book,” Nikki says, a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth, itching to evolve into a smile. The smile isn’t ready to emerge yet, but Nikki thinks that he might finally be feeling that tug of a needle and thread putting in the first stitch to close his open wounds."

Tommy leans in and reconnects his lips with Nikki’s. They remain entwined in each other’s arms, with a mix of tears, and kisses, sharing tender words, until it’s time to pick up their boys, a few hours later. They walk hand and hand to Tommy’s front door, as two meaningful smiles emerge before stepping back out.<


End file.
